Announcers

Johnathan F. Crass, Esquire

Age: 30 going on 19

Occupation: Smoooooooooth Operator

Turn-Ons: Derby Girls. Lulu Garou. Women. Chicks. Hot Mamas. MILFs. Your sister. Your mom. You grandmother. Utah Cyber Sluts. Marge Simpson.

Turn-Offs: Nothing he can think of, so far.

Bio: The "bad touch" of the SCDG announcing team, Johnny Crass is sure to horrify parents, embarass children, and track wolf poop all over your living room floor.   And that's on a good day.

Lulu Garou

Age: As if!

Occupation: Werewolf

Favorite Things: Blood on the track. Hot Derby Doctors. The full moon. Walks on the beach under the full moon. Innocent people, also out for walks on the beach under the full moon, who forgot to tell anyone where they were going and won't be missed until morning. Cajun food. Rum.

Pet Peeves: Johnny Crass. Fleas. Collars. Petit-Fours. Burrs. Yankees. Big Foot. Vampires. FBI Special Agents with an obsession with the paranormal. Losing a high-stakes card game to a Chupacabra. Plank roads through the bayou. Low-percentage beer. Pirates who drink all the rum. Invisible ninjas. Visible ninjas.

Bio: Transplanted from the murky bayous and hidden swamps of South Louisiana after a little incident with a former governor who went out for a walk on the beach under a full moon and hasn't been missed yet, Lulu Garou used to be the "big bad wolf," until she got paired up with Johnny Crass. Now she's the good one, and that's just a sad state of affairs, really, when you think about it.

DJ Frosty

Age: 331/3

Occupation: Noise Bringer

Hell Yes: Bruises under fishnets. Beer. Parole. Strippers. Music no one else likes ... or recognizes as music. All roller-derby girls, but especially [names deleted by order of the Fairness in Roller Derby Act of 2007].

Hell No: Sane strippers. Will Smith. NPR. The sound systems of certain unnamed Olympic Ovals.

Bio: The third wheel on the Crass/Garou machine, riding the coattails of their glory and eating their leftover dashboard burritos.

DJ Frosty hosts a punk / rock radio show on Salt Lake City's KRCL 90.9 FM Wednesday nights, "The Punky Meadows Show," which is quite popular with prison inmates and 7-Eleven cashiers.

Announcing strategery: After anything Johnny or Lulu say about a skater, simply add the line, "... and she's a filthy whore."